


i am so numb without you

by evenbec



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Medium-Sized Angst, Post-Episode 5
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-02-23
Packaged: 2019-11-04 06:07:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17892962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evenbec/pseuds/evenbec
Summary: Alone. He’s all alone. Lucas doesn’t get anyone in this universe. He doesn’t get Eliott. He doesn’t get to be simple and normal and fall in love with Chloé like the rest of his friends think he should. No parents. No roommates who care. He’s just Lucas. Maybe he deserves this.All alone. All alone. All alone.





	i am so numb without you

**Author's Note:**

> This turned out to be far more angsty than I originally expected with a whole lot less comfort than I intended. I haven't written fic since May 2017. Be kind to me. It's nearly 3am, and I barely proofread this so if there are mistakes, my bad. Enjoy!
> 
> Also, Lucas is like super emo in this? Is this even in character? Who knows at this point.
> 
> Title from Numb Without You by The Maine

Lucas doesn’t know how long he’s been sitting there. It feels like it’s been an eternity since he ran far far away from Chloé’s party. Classic Lucas. Always running away from his issues. The cold, winter air is starting to make his teeth chatter and goosebumps line his arms. He can no longer avoid the inevitable. He has to get up. When he finally comes to, his back aches from leaning too much on the metal bars behind him for support. His bones feel hollow, and he barely remembers why he’s on the ground to begin with. The migraine at the back of his head is making itself known, and he wants to zone out all over again. His brain is full of white noise. Too busy thinking about everything and nothing all at once so that nothing’s clear or makes sense.

It’s funny how grief can be that way. So all-consuming that you’re caught up in it and allow the numbness to consume your brain for a while. Lucas sighs. He decides the trip to the warm flat not very far from where he’s sitting can wait. (It’s not like he has a bed to return to anyway. If he wants to breakdown, he decides now would be the best opportunity. The cold Parisian street feels more like home than the couch does anyway.)

Lucas lets his brain carry him away again. Perhaps too far away he thinks. To the Lucas who didn’t lead Chloé on. To the Lucas who still got to have Eliott. To all his parallel universe selves.

Alone. He’s all alone. Lucas doesn’t get anyone in this universe. He doesn’t get Eliott. He doesn’t get to be simple and normal and fall in love with Chloé like the rest of his friends think he should. No parents. No roommates who care. He’s just Lucas. Maybe he deserves this.

All alone. All alone. All alone.

He thinks he should be used to this by now. Something was seriously wrong with him anyway. Everyone leaves him. There’s no part of Lucas worth loving. He was never going to be Eliott’s first choice. Not when Lucille was right there. Who would love him enough to leave someone else? His own father didn’t love him enough to stay. Doesn’t love him enough to even send him enough money to survive on for a month at a time. He doesn’t even get the money till he begs, or Mika threatens to kick him out. There’s a pattern, and it all points straight back at him.

Straight. Lucas lets a chuckle out at that one and then a sob. What has he done to the universe? He knew he’d messed up. Leading Chloé on wasn’t necessarily something he planned on doing. It just happened and snowballed into this great big other thing. It’s just unfair is the point Lucas thinks. He knows it was wrong, but his sexuality wasn’t her business. He knows he put his foot in his mouth when talking to Mika the day before, but he knows that was supposed to be his thing. Chloé wasn’t supposed to be the one to do that, and now, he’ll never have that moment again. Her yelling clearly hadn’t fallen on deaf ears. There was no loud party music drowning out the sounds of her screaming that he was gay. Maybe in a parallel universe he thinks to himself. Maybe he’s afforded the luxury of loud party music in another universe. A dam breaks all over again inside.

The thing he wants to admit least is that he’s scared. It’s a strong juxtaposition to the Friday he spent with Eliott just a week prior. Le Petite Ceinture hadn’t been scary at all. How could he have been scared? The second Lucas spotted the tunnel in the dark he knew what was happening. His heart wasn’t prepared for the sight of it, nor the implications of the symbolism. But not afraid. Never afraid or scared. Not when Eliott was there.

Pas peur. Pas peur. Pas peur.

He had been brave and open and free there. Feeling for the first time that what he had was right and good. There was nothing wrong with either him or Eliott. Nothing wrong with what they had or what they wanted together. For the first time, Lucas had let himself feel, but now that was all gone. All for nothing. He was alone, and Eliott had Lucille. All alone on a street with the distant bass from the party he’d run away from booming through the street.

The tears seemingly never end. He had seen people looking at him once Chloé stormed off. He knows people know now. He is gay. There’s no use hiding it any longer. Absolutely no use. He’d just look foolish in the long run anyway. Deep down, he thinks he knows he can’t fake it anymore anyway. Even if Eliott doesn’t want him anymore, he cannot pretend to be something he isn’t. Maybe, that’s brave of him, or maybe it’s just common sense. If Eliott gave him anything, it was the ability to feel for once in his life. He can’t give that back now. He can’t pretend to be interested when his friends banter on and on about girls and parties. It’s easy to think about and believe. To believe he can never go back. The reality is much crueler.

The revelation should come as a relief to Lucas. No longer being something he isn’t should be a good thing. It should be the greatest moment of his life to know he can be himself now. Instead, he feels pure, unadulterated fear. Anger rises in him again toward Chloé. Just because the idea seems nice doesn’t make it easier to swallow. Lucas has seen how they treat the other kids at school. Has heard the insults time and time again. Seen the way some kids get shoved around. There’s no going back anyway. The rumors will reach the entire school by the time class starts on Monday, and nothing will ever be the same again. Lucas’ reality isn’t freedom or the ability to finally express himself. It’s cheap insults and jeers thrown at him in a hallway and eyes that never stop staring. It’s feeling on edge and a consistent nagging at the back of his mind that something is wrong, wrong, wrong.  

His vision sharpens, and he looks down. The pain in his knuckles finally makes itself known, but Lucas is too numb to be bothered. It’s dark, but maybe it’ll help him actually feel something for once instead of the all-consuming numbness that is currently deep set in his bones. What good are his hands for anyway?  Would Eliott be sad to know the same hands that had elicited such a beautiful melody that Friday in his apartment were now ruined?

No, Lucas thinks. Don’t go that far. He’s not yours. That is not your story. There is no raccoon and hedgehog drawing for this. You are alone.

All alone. All alone. All alone.    

He shakily picks himself up and walks toward the shared flat.

 

*

 

When he reaches the flat, he’s resigned to the fact that he’s going to hide his wounds from his roommates and let the couch swallow him whole. He deserves to sleep for 48 hours. Doesn’t even care that Imane will get on his case for getting behind on their work. Sleeping on the couch is less than ideal, but for once, he cannot wait to crawl under his duvet and make everything stop for a while. He expects a quiet flat for the most part. Lisa should be in her room asleep. Mika should be out. Manon was probably at the party. Unlocking the door to the flat reveals quite the opposite scene. He doesn’t get to hide. It should be a cruel pathetic joke.  

Manon is stood in the hallway pacing rapidly with Mika behind her trying to calm her down. They haven’t noticed him yet. If Lucas had paid any attention, maybe he could’ve heard the rapidly increasing volume of the her voice and ran. Anywhere. He doesn’t know where. Le Petite Ceinture maybe. The bus stop outside school. The foyer at school. Before he gets the opportunity, Mika looks up and makes eye contact with him. No hiding. He must be a sight for sore eyes because for once Mika doesn’t make a snide remark or comment. Instead, he looks genuinely concerned. He must have spaced out because Manon is now carefully holding his bloodied hand in her own.

“Mika, can you grab the first-aid kit and bring it to the bathroom?” Manon says. He feels like a child being looked after by their mother as Manon takes him by the hand toward the bathroom and washes his bruised and bloodied knuckles off under the sink. Mika brings the supplies as she begins to examine and clean his hand.

“I’ve been worried about you. You know?” Manon says. Lucas knows. It’s why he shut her down every time she asked a question and or acted concerned. Nobody should have to care about him. He just gets hurt in the long run.

Distance. Distance. Distance.

“I was out with Mika when Daphné called me panicking saying the girls couldn’t find you.”

And, what? People had been looking for him? Why?

“We both came back here immediately. Figured you’d run here,” She rambles. “We’ve been freaking out ever since. Mika had to literally google how long you had to wait before filing a missing persons report with the police.” Lucas is silent.

“You know we’re your friends right?” Manon is glaring at him now, and it’s scaring him a bit at the intensity of it. “ All of us are. Mika is harsh, and I wish he was kinder. He means well even if it seems harsh. The girls too.”

Lucas panics for a moment and wonders what Daphné told her on the phone. Lucas already has his suspicions that Manon knew about him and Eliott. She’s certainly not treating him any differently if Daphné had confirmed that over the phone though.

“What’d Daphné say? Why’d you and Mika come running?” It’s a challenge, and Lucas knows it. He’s pushing to see what she knows.  

“She just said you and the boys got in a fight. Yann was worried and since we’re your roommates we wanted to be here for you.” It’s a simple answer, and Lucas can’t find a single reason for her to lie about what Daphné said. Manon’s moved onto wrapping his hand with a bandage, and the silence is all too deafening.

It’s almost as if it’s an epiphany. It’s not like he’s stupid. He knows this is how it works. He knows it’s up to him to come out. The realization that he has a chance to come out to someone on his terms before everyone else finds out hits him like a brick. As long as he gets to control it once he thinks. It’s a baby step. It doesn’t make what happened okay, but it’s all he’s got. It’s something he gets to control. He feels like brooding more and being mad and upset later, but for now, Lucas lets himself have this.

“You know me and Eliott?”

Manon immediately looks up with a smile on her face. “Oh, so now we’re talking about him?”

It’s a joke, and he can tell it. He lets out a laugh and takes a deep breath. Lucas allows himself to be brave.

“We had a thing. I guess what I’m trying to say-” Lucas inhales. “I’m gay.”

Manon hasn’t looked up once. Too engrossed with making sure his hand is expertly wrapped, but at the sound of the last 2 words, she looks up. There’s a smile on her face, and honestly, Lucas doesn’t know why he expected anything less from her.

“I’m so proud of you, Lucas,” Manon says reaching for a hug. Lucas heals.

She finishes wrapping his hand.

“Why is it so hard to believe that people care about you, Lucas?” Manon says. Lucas breaks.

 

*

 

Looking back, Lucas knows how necessary those moments were for him. Walking across the courtyard that Monday stuck between the glare of Chloé and Eliott had been pure torture. It was like some bad metaphor for his life story over the past few months. He had made himself smaller and walked on trying to ignore the piercing glaze Eliott was tearing into his bandaged hand. The same hand Eliott is currently playing with.

Lucas had refrained from bringing up that night so far. There was an off-handed conversation about it once, but never anything more. As Eliott traces his still-bruised knuckles, he starts to get emotional. He’s truly come so far.   

“You know, I did this the night I fought with the boys.” Lucas says hinting at his hand. Eliott sighs knowingly.

Lucas knows he doesn’t have to explain much more. Knows Eliott’s gonna blame himself now if he hadn’t already blamed himself all those months ago. He just can’t stop himself though.

“I sat like an idiot in front of the gate, you know? The one to Le Petite Ceinture. I didn’t even notice it was that gate until a few weeks ago.” Lucas moves so they’re laying down. His head pillowed on Eliott’s chest. Conversation always flows easier this way. Lucas locks their fingers together.

“I remember sitting there feeling so sorry for myself and alone all because everything had gone to shit. I felt so isolated and alone sitting outside that gate almost as if the universe was laughing at me. You know? The gate the week before had been opened by you. And looking back, seeing how I sat there with it closed.... I thought I was the Lucas who ended up with no one somehow. I just didn’t want to be alone.” Eliott nods then smiles.

“Not alone, baby. Never anymore.” Eliott says affectionately. Lucas can’t stop the smile that comes to his face. He really can’t quite believe he still gets this.

As Eliott kisses every last knuckle on his hand he can’t help but think about the other Lucas’. The ones who are still lost and haven’t accepted themselves. The Lucas’ who haven’t found their Eliott. He understands their hesitation. And really for Lucas himself, his path to this moment was a long journey in and of itself. He can’t blame the other Lucas’ at all. Understands their apprehensions. It’s a risk, but Lucas thinks there’s no greater reward than getting to love and be loved in return. Opening yourself and allowing that to happen, it takes more bravery than he’d ever thought possible.  

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are appreciated! <3
> 
> Also, I 100% took creative liberty by making it up that he was at the same gate at the end of Episode 5 they used to access Le Petite Ceinture in Episode 4. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. 
> 
>  
> 
> [Follow Me on Tumblr](http://axelauriantblot.tumblr.com)


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